Let’s Stop Stressing Out Over Stress
Stress is a normal and inevitable part of life. Yet we often allow it to unduly weigh on us mentally, emotionally, and physically. Chronic stress, in particular, can have severe effects on our overall health and well-being. It is, of course, not possible to remove all stress from our lives. (Studies have actually found that trying to do so actually makes us more stressed!) But we absolutely can learn to understand stress, work to lessen the negative effects we experience from it, and even harness stress in positive ways.
How stressed are you about feeling stressed? I know that I lost quite a bit of sleep earlier in my life due to chronic stress, with no understanding of how stress works or the tools available to manage it, or even learn from it. I find it’s still a process to manage it, but the important thing is I have a process. And so can you!
Let’s face it: Stress is a normal and inevitable part of life. Yet we often allow it to unduly weigh on us mentally, emotionally, and physically. Chronic stress, in particular, can have severe effects on our overall health and well-being. It is, of course, not possible to remove all stress from our lives. (Some studies have actually found that trying to do so actually makes us more stressed!) But we absolutely can learn to understand stress, work to lessen the negative effects we experience from it, and even harness stress in positive ways.
In fact, researchers have found that how we view stress determines whether and how much we suffer from it. In other words, our perspective on stress has an impact on whether we experience negative physical and mental effects from it, or whether we experience positive, healthy effects instead.
Take, for example, two people who are facing the same type of challenges on their jobs. It has become obvious to them that their jobs do not provide the kinds of satisfaction these two individuals crave and deserve. They are both under enormous stress. But this is where the similarities end. One of these individuals is oppressed and worn-down from the stress of the situation, while the other individual perceives the stress as a signal that it is time to consider meaningful change—whether generating change within his existing job, seeking out another job, or even exploring a different career altogether, one with more potential to bring real satisfaction.
The difference between these two people is mindset. Adopting a positive mindset about stress, embracing it, and working with it, can allow us to experience the opportunity stress provides to effect positive benefits in our performance as well as our mental and physical well-being. It may sound cliché to say “think positive thoughts,” but there really is power (and science) behind the words we use and how they impact the ways in which we think and live.
The point is, we can learn to effectively manage stress by understanding it and even using it to our advantage.
Here are three important elements in understanding how to use stress as a positive force:
First, let’s look at the symptoms. The common physical sensations happening in your body when you experience stress, such as sweaty palms, shallow breathing, racing heart, rise in blood pressure, stomach butterflies, etc., are there for a reason. And that reason is not because you can’t cope or because you are inept, incapable, unskilled, different from others, etc. These symptomatic sensations are physiological and happen to us all. The science behind this, put simply, is that commonly known stress hormones, such as adrenaline, are released by the pituitary gland in the base of your brain revving up your body and producing those unwelcome, but normal (indeed critical) sensations when under stress. These hormones are providing energy in order to perform, and it’s important to understand that this is not a reflection of weakness on your part. Understanding this can allow you to adopt a new, helpful perspective that can actually help you perform even better. For example, perhaps the butterflies in your stomach before that job interview are a sign of excitement vs. nervousness. Or perhaps the stress you experienced after you last disappointment at your job is actually a gift, in that it can provide insight about the optimal future path.
Next, engage with others. Have you ever felt like reaching out to others when under stress? The reason for this is a stress hormone called oxytocin. You’ve likely heard about this one. It is commonly referred to as the “love” hormone. It’s one of the stress hormones that is released at challenging times with the role to counterbalance the racing heart effects of adrenaline. When we physically and socially interact with others, e.g., receiving emotional support, holding hands, hugging, etc., the hypothalamus in our brains produces even more oxytocin, helping to soothe us, allowing for a faster recovery from stress. The more oxytocin we release when under stress, the more positive energy we gain and the more easily we can work through stress to prepare for the task at hand. So, connect with friends. Get in touch with a family member. Engage a colleague. Work with a coach or counselor. Connect with others in times of stress to increase your resilience to it. Our brains were designed with this in mind!
Lastly, gain awareness and choose your response. Does thinking positively about stress really help us use it to our advantage? Absolutely! Neuroscience supports that a practice of thinking positively changes the way our brains are wired. Just as negative thoughts have been wired in your brain, so can positive.
Start by noticing how you respond when feeling stressed. What action did you take? What was the outcome? Here’s how it works:
Think back on a recent stressful event and notice:
(1) what you thought;
(2) how you felt when it occurred;
(3) how you responded; and
(4) the outcome you experienced
Many times, the outcome we experience is a result of the thoughts, feelings, and actions we took as a result of stress.
If you didn’t experience a desirable outcome in the episode you are analyzing, reverse engineer the process a bit by thinking about:
(1) the outcome you would have liked to experience
(2) new thoughts that support that outcome
(3) the feelings that stem from those thoughts; and
(4) actions/response that you plan to take as a result
It may seem corny, but I encourage you to take the time to write it all down and repeat the process every time you deal with challenging situations. When you do this work over time, it will not only change how you think, feel, and respond to stress for the better, it will help improve the outcomes in your life. If the thought of adding one more effortful thing to your days and weeks causes you to hesitate, consider this: how many things do we do each day that that carry the opportunity for such significant health and performance results in our lives? It’s worth the work! For examples and help with this practice, download my Working with Stress workbook. It’s free.
Remember, stress is normal. How you view and respond to it is your choice.
In my coaching practice, I work with clients on these and related issues. Feel free to schedule an initial complimentary session, so we can determine whether the type of coaching I provide can help improve the ways in which you deal with stress, and the quality of your life.
Overwhelmed? Dig in and Overcome It
What I know is that as human beings, it’s extremely difficult to think objectively when strong emotions, including overwhelm, are at play. It also takes a lot of energy and commitment to dig in and do the work necessary to process emotions. But, afterwards, we typically feel great. It’s like the amazing feeling and flush of energy you experience from a workout after forcing yourself to the gym. It’s an accomplishment and you feel productive for what’s next in the day, right?
The other day I was stuck. I was in a real mental rut and feeling scattered about work and life. There were crucial things on my plate for work and yet I was doing none of them. I was worried that things were falling through the cracks. Every time I sat down at the computer, I just zoned out. I was feeling overwhelmed by the new, scary things I was embarking on in my business and the scary things happening in the world (pandemic, wild fires, hurricanes, politics—ugh!).
That day I happened to have a call scheduled with my coach. Every good coach should have their own coach, in my opinion! Anyhow, I was dreading the call a bit. Not because I don’t like my coach, quite to the contrary. It was because I didn’t want to unpack what I was feeling and I didn’t know exactly how. I’m a coach, and shouldn’t this be easy for me?! What I know is that as human beings, it’s extremely difficult to think objectively when strong emotions, including overwhelm, are at play. It also takes a lot of energy and commitment to dig in and do the work necessary to process emotions. But, afterwards, we typically feel great. It’s like the amazing feeling and flush of energy you experience from a workout after forcing yourself to the gym. It’s an accomplishment and you feel productive for what’s next in the day, right?
With the help of my coach, I dug in on how I was feeling and listed everything I could think of that was causing my sense of overwhelm. I wrote it all down. Then, I decided on one small action to take for each item. Finally, I prioritized what needed to be done now and would could be done in the months to come, assigned a date and time frame to each, and added it all to my calendar. At the end of our call, I felt like I had just accomplished an hour on the stair master! I felt energetic, light, free, and back to myself again.
Do the steps that worked for me sound simple and elementary? I think they are, and yet it can be so difficult to do even the smallest of things on our own when in a downward spiral of overwhelm. This holds true for a lot of other similar and very common human conditions as well, such as procrastination and lack of motivation.
Try this out the next time you feel stuck and let me know what you think! Here are the steps again. Remember, feeling overwhelmed and getting stuck is normal. You get to choose when to take a break, when to process how you're feeling, and when to take action. You’ve got this!
1. Look at how you feel. Examine it. Feel it. Don’t push it away or ignore it. Sit with it. If overwhelmed by more than one thing, write them all down. And, if it feels right, journal how you’re feeling. This can help release it.
2. After processing and making your list, think of what can be done about each overwhelming matter you listed. What action can be taken to alleviate the feeling? This isn’t about ignoring your feelings or distracting yourself with something else, it’s about finding a productive solution. What is one small step you can take to push through and get back to a positive space with each item on your list?
3. Finally, consider when to take action. Prioritize your actions. Which are best done later? Which are important to do now? Assign a date and time frame for each item and add those to your calendar.
Are Negative Thoughts Holding You Back?
We all have them and sometimes they are the self-critical variety that bring us down over time and prevent us from going after what we really want. What’s worse is that these thoughts have become habitual. We’ve thought them so much, they have become hard-wired in our brains and are automatic. The good news is that we can change them!
Why We’re Self-Critical and What to do About It
Experts report we have somewhere between 50,000 and 80,000 thoughts per day. The thoughts we have come from our experiences and the influences of those around us. Our thoughts play a profound role in our lives. They form the basis of our beliefs over time and they lead to the emotions we feel, the responses and actions we take or don't take and, ultimately, to the outcome and realities of our lives. They are the source of stress or the source of joy, and everything in between.
For example, as a relatively minor experience, do you share my habit of thinking worrying thoughts the few minutes before heading out the door to go on vacation?
Do I have everything?
What about that hat I bought?
Is the house secure?
Will my plants survive?
Did I remember my kid’s toothbrush?
What about his passport?
Or, more importantly, did I remember my kid?
I don't know about you, but these thoughts make me feel anxious, rushed, worried, harried, and cranky. Then, cue the resulting relationship arguments because I’m anxious, rushed, worried, harried, and cranky. It's not the way I want to start my family vacation!
In that same example, what might happen if we consciously include positive, joyful thoughts of what lies ahead, the sights, the beaches, the food, photos, and happy memories to be created? We might also be thinking about the passport and the toothbrush, but there is real joy that comes from these sweet thoughts of anticipation that will take the edge off and help create a more peaceful and happy beginning of a beautiful vacation to come.
The point is that many of our thoughts happen automatically, meaning we have had the same thoughts so frequently in the past that they pop back up with no effort when familiar circumstances arise. Many of them go all the way back to childhood. In fact, quite often we are not even conscious of the thought pattern that causes us to respond in the ways we do. This is how our brains operate. In order to direct all that it does within our bodies, the human mind strives for efficiency. The thoughts we think over time become "hard-wired" in our brains so that they are automatic and often times, not conscious. This efficiency allows the brain the energy to perform complex operations. Makes sense, right?
What happens, though, is that many of our ingrained mental thoughts are negative and many of those negative thoughts are directed at ourselves in the form of self-criticism. We are critical, judgmental, and especially harsh when it comes to evaluating who we are as individuals. Most of us judge ourselves mercilessly, drawing severe comparisons with others and worrying about what people think of us, and as mentioned, we often don't even realize we're doing it. This pattern of thought is believed by some to stem from our biological need for community and belonging. The theory is that this primal need to belong is as strong as our need for food and shelter and was essential to survival for early humans. In other words, judging ourselves critically allowed us to conform and to fit in with our clan ensuring a stronger chance of survival (i.e., safety in numbers).
Today, we still consciously and subconsciously critique ourselves out of that strong biological need to measure up and fit in. These thoughts may have served the better good early on for the human race, but in our lives now, such thoughts are destructive and make it difficult to have what we want in life.
What's more, these critical thoughts, nearly every single one of them, aren’t even true. They aren’t facts. How many times have you internally labeled yourself “dumb” or “stupid” when you did something wrong that didn’t have a good outcome? Over time, these thoughts become conscious or subconscious beliefs, as previously mentioned, and can be categorized into what psychologists call “cognitive distortions.” These are patterns of stories or narratives we develop about ourselves, others, or situations that promote and cement the (usually) negative, untrue thoughts we carry.
These self-critical, harsh thoughts influence how we show up in life and, in many instances, the outcomes we experience. Yes, we are often the primary source of our own unhappiness and stress. Negative self-talk doesn’t mean that we aren’t successful, productive and happy at times. It does mean that, depending on what we’re telling ourselves and how often, it can be a lot harder to take the actions needed to achieve the things we want in life and to feel satisfied and happy.
To summarize, we know that our thoughts are often beliefs and that they are largely automatic when responding to situations in life. We also know that the majority of our thoughts are negative and that many of those negative thoughts are directed at ourselves in the form of self-criticism, perhaps from a biological, primal need. Today, this can and does adversely effect how we move through life and the outcomes we experience. It's absolutely daunting! But, the good news is that we have a choice. We can change these automatic thought patterns. Just as the brain latches on to negative thoughts over time, it can and will adopt positive thoughts, if we put in the time and effort to make it happen.
The first step is to become aware of what you’re thinking. With awareness, you can then take the next steps toward developing fact-based powerful thoughts that will eventually turn into habits and beliefs leading to better responses and results in life. To do this, begin by asking yourself questions to uncover:
the truth and the facts in your thoughts
the situation leading up to those thoughts and the resulting emotions you felt
how you want to feel in the future
a true, empowering thought statement that supports that feeling
a process or method to anchor this statement for yourself so that it surfaces easily the next time a similar situation arises
This work involves practice. Develop a practice around this for several weeks and assess your progress at that point. To form habits, the brain needs 3 things: effort, repetition, and time. Enjoy the journey!
And, if you're interested in a deeper dive on reframing the self-critical thoughts that may be holding you back in your career, schedule a call with me today. Learn how coaching can help you adopt a healthy approach to stress and find the career happiness, focus, and passion you want and deserve.
Additional reading:
Why Social Connection is a Matter of Survival
UCLA Neuroscientist's Book Explains Why Social Connection Is As Important As Food and Shelter
Making PEACE with Time Management
Much has been written about time management, and to be sure, there are plenty of methods for taking control of how to effectively and efficiently spend our precious time at work and at home. What’s most important is to explore and experiment with various ideas to find what fits for you and the particulars of your work and personal life. Here is a tried-and-true model that has worked for me.
“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt (author of the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy)
I have plenty of time each day to accomplish all of my work and all the personal activities I have planned and I go to bed with complete peace of mind every night . . . said no one ever! How often have you struggled to meet all of your priorities and deadlines just to come up at a loss at the end of the day? Despite all of our hard work and efforts some of us still come up short on time and long on work at the close of business. Often times, we then resign ourselves to, once again, put in the extra hours necessary on evenings and weekends to get the job done. Sound familiar? It’s moments like these that can make time feel as fleeting as a self-destructing Banksy painting and as elusive as the artist (him or herself)!
Girl with Balloon, Banksy
at Waterloo Bridge, London
Much has been written about time management, and to be sure, there are plenty of methods for taking control of how to effectively and efficiently spend our precious time at work. What’s most important is to explore and experiment with various ideas to find what fits for you and the circumstances of your work. Here is a tried-and-true model I’ve used and have shared with others over the years. It’s affectionately called PEACE.
1. Prioritize. This seems ultra-basic, but it’s worth mentioning. Prioritizing work daily and making this a routine is important. How many times have you felt overwhelmed in the moment without a clear understanding of what needs to be done and when? It can make us feel stressed, anxious, and out of control, which is no way to feel when you’re in the middle of a busy day. Make the time for this each and every day as part of your routine when you get to the office, or at the end of the day. This way, you are prepared for new demands as they come in and you can reprioritize as needed throughout the day (more on this below).
2. Estimate. As you prioritize your work, assign estimates for how long the work will take that day. The more you practice this, the more accurate you will get it over time. And, while you’re estimating, add buffer time. Add in a bit more time than you think the project will take. It may lead to extra time for you for other tasks during the day—or for a much-deserved break!
3. Anticipate. When planning your daily projects and estimating time, figure in a set amount of time each day for the unexpected. This is especially important if you are working on a team or in an ever-changing or deadline-driven position or environment. If you need the time, it’s there and it will cut down on evening work hours.
4. Communicate. Seems like a no-brainer, but, hey, we’re busy with work over here. If someone drops a “higher priority” assignment on your desk that takes precedence over everything else, be sure to communicate to stakeholders if it will mean that you are not making a promised deadline on another project. And, if you still have to meet both those deadlines, reach out to others for support. In most cases, we’re not in this alone when it comes to our work and asking for help is simply a matter of allocating resources. As simple as these things seem, not doing them timely may damage your reputation—even for circumstances outside your control. Stay ahead with timely communication.
5. Enter Everything. This is a big one and you may balk at the idea, but it’s very helpful in order to stay on track with your work and manage your time. After you have a plan for your day, create a calendar entry for everything. Calendar not only your meetings, but time for lunch, and for checking email. Calendar time to move the ball on projects. Group smaller tasks together and calendar the cumulative as a larger block of time. Pay attention to buffer times and time for unexpected circumstances—make sure these are both on your calendar every day. Depending on your personality and the nature of your work, you may love this idea or reject it instantly. If you have reservations, just give it a try. See how it feels, tweak the process so it works, and make it yours.
To be sure, no one time management method is going to guarantee complete peace of mind every night as your head hits the pillow, but empowering yourself to find one that works best for you will keep you moving in the right direction.
The True Essence of Leadership: It’s Not About the Title
You are a leader, no matter your title or position. You are a leader based on the way you choose to conduct yourself, attributes you share with those around you, how you view the world, relate to others, and how you empower and inspire people in your daily life. Don’t let your job title or career stand for anything short of who you are and where you are going as as leader in your life.
It’s true. You are a leader, no matter your title or position. Long-standing research done by the Center for Creative Leadership defines leadership as “a social process that enables individuals to work together to achieve results.” This supports the theory that because leadership stems more from personal characteristics rather than from one’s role or title within an organization, we are all leaders in our work and in our lives. You are a leader based on the way you choose to conduct yourself, what attributes you share with those around you, how you view the world, relate to others, and how you therefore empower and inspire (or discourage) people in your daily life. Indeed, we are all leaders, but it doesn’t mean we lead well.
A great leader is someone who brings her gifts, skills, passions, and values to bear on every interaction, project, meeting, communication, task, and presentation. You don’t have to carry a leadership or management title to exude your own authentic leadership style and to inspire others.
“Leadership is not so much about technique and methods as it is about opening the heart. Leadership is about inspiration—of oneself and of others.” -Lance Secretan, leadership theorist and author
Knowing who you are and understanding how you work best, what you do really well, and even what you don’t do as well that you can further develop—these are the starting points. Consider your professional mission and how it connects to that of your organization. Explore your values, interests, passions, and motivations. Are you in a career or a life driven by purpose?
Don’t let your job title or career stand for anything short of who you are and where you are going. Expand your understanding of what you bring, cultivate a great mindset, carry out your work with meaning, and wholeheartedly connect with and contribute to others for maximum impact as you journey through work and life. Connect with your authentic leadership style and jump start the career you desire or just enjoy the feeling of fulfillment along the way.
The Power of Coaching: How Vast is Your Reach?
Coaches help clients realize their own, internal answers, remove obstacles, and abandon their limiting beliefs. The best coaches provide support and accountability so that clients set plans, take action, and achieve the careers they wish, the relationships they enjoy, and the lives they desire. There is a song lyric a friend once shared with me: “Nothing to teach except that the goal falls short of the reach.” My mission is to help you connect to how vast your reach is and help you set goals that take you all the way there.
On a crisp, sunny late-November afternoon, I took my 6-year-old to the paved area of the playground at his school with his bike stripped of its training wheels. The playground happened to be empty, which was just as well given the goal. I have a relatively adventurous son, but he was nonetheless nervous about the idea of learning to ride his bike without the safety of the extra wheels. We talked about this for some time leading up to the day, with my goal of helping him address his fears.
What happened when we got to the playground is typical of what happens with most children when parents take them out for their first non-training-wheels experience. I helped him gain his balance and simply let go of the bike. He began riding it, his shadow skirting around him as he turned in circles. Shaky at first, he began to pick up speed. To my delight, he happily screamed over and over, “I’m riding my bike! You taught me to ride my bike!” It’s such a great memory.
Of course, what really happened, though, is that he taught himself. I helped him realize that he had the ability, but he did all the work of summoning up the courage to take that first ride, of using his leg strength to pedal, using his instinctual sense of balance and his core muscles to stay upright, and trusting his own sense that he would succeed and do well. He managed his fear, his emotions, and used his innate skills—the skills we all have within us—to learn to ride his bike that day. All I did was help him see his fears from a different perspective, help him ease his self-doubts, and supply loads of encouragement and support so that he felt ready and confident in his attempt to achieve big-boy bike-riding glory.
Coaching is a lot like this. Coaches help clients realize their own, internal answers, remove obstacles, and abandon their limiting beliefs. The best coaches provide support and accountability so that clients set plans, take action, and achieve the careers they wish, the relationships they enjoy, and the lives they desire.
You are the expert in your life. It’s my job to help you connect to your wisdom so you can apply it toward taking action that will bring you increased fulfillment in life. There is a song lyric a friend once shared with me: “Nothing to teach except that the goal falls short of the reach.” My mission is to help you connect to how vast your reach is and help you set goals that take you all the way there.
Are you ready? Book a complimentary call with me today.
Reclaiming Balance: My Story of Overcoming Burnout and Finding Career Happiness
Coaching helped me realize that I was carrying a long-held somewhat buried belief that I was under-qualified despite my success—that I was an imposter—and the only way I could prove my worth in my profession was with more and more work. Once I unpacked these issues it became truly clear to me that my success was based on my talents and character and not on how many hours I spent working. With this new understanding, I gained clarity and courage to work on my beliefs and take my next career steps.
Hello! I’m Judy Gielniak, coach and founder of Accomplished Life Coaching & Consulting. My journey to a an exciting career coaching leaders and professionals began over twenty-five years ago . . .
My Background
A native mid-westerner, I began a career in law before moving to California in 1996. I chose law because it represented an interesting livelihood in a career helping others. For over twenty-five years, I worked in various law firms, rising from a position as a paralegal to eventually directing operations of a large legal education and pro-bono services program within an elite law school and leading a large team in an academic-services environment.
I found deep satisfaction—and achieved substantial success—helping people find ways to better realize their goals and potentials. But something else was happening at the same time. Even though I loved my job and was doing well, I wasn’t feeling well. I knew that I was working to excess and eventually pulled back some, but it didn’t really help—I still felt extremely driven to push myself harder. So, I continued on and succeeded professionally, but at the cost of becoming increasingly unhappy, stressed, sick, and suffering severe burnout. Sound familiar?
My Aha! Moment
I eventually found coaching myself through my desire for more purpose in life and exploration of a new career making the most of my interests, skills and talents. Working with a coach increased my self-awareness, among many other things. I explored my values (really explored them, for the first time ever!) and realized that work/life balance was and had always been a central value in my life. Yet, for so long I had been living anything but a balanced life. What I discovered next was a game-changer.
Coaching helped me realize that I was carrying a long-held somewhat buried belief that I was under-qualified and, despite my success, I felt like an imposter—for years. I believed that the only way I could prove my worth in my profession was to take on more and more work and to do it all perfectly. It’s an impossible bar, but that’s what I expected of myself in order to feel worthy. And, my efforts yielded some results—I was successful. The problem was that none of this actually made me feel any more worthy. On top of that, these self-levied expectations carried health and relationship consequences, yet I continued to subscribe to them. Once I unpacked these issues it became truly clear to me that my success was based on my talents and character and not on striving for perfection or on how many hours I spent working. With this new understanding, I gained clarity and courage to work on my beliefs and take my next career steps.
Today
Fast forward to the present. I’m living a better (dare I say wonderful) life filled with meaning and direction. Life, of course, still has its usual complications, but the difference is I now have the tools to deal with them. I sleep well, make time for my family and myself, and still work hard, in balance with the rest of life, in a career close to my heart. With so much gratitude for what coaching has taught me, I’m thrilled to now be helping clients on their journey toward finding real career happiness and success. We all deserve to enjoy what we do for a living and be successful—two big components of living a fulfilled and accomplished life!